In the previous post on limb loss, I shared with you the stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  Now that you can recognize the process one must work through, I wanted to share some positive as well as some negative coping mechanisms.  If you are a family member or friend of the one suffering a loss, be sure to use this list to recognize the unacceptable mechanisms and offer these healthy alternatives.  If the grieving process seems to be stuck or the individual continues in these negative ways, it is imperative to obtain appropriate assistance by a medical or psychological provider.

It is important to remember that grieving is a necessary process that must be worked through by the individual.  Support is essential in order to allow the individual the time and space to work through the grieving process at their own pace.  Re-enforcing positive coping mechanisms is a key factor in an individual’s ability to work through the grieving process.

Examples of positive mechanisms include:

• grounding skills (stay focused, use all five senses)
• manage stress
• manage anger (deep breathing)
• get to know self
• seek support from friends and family
• communication (talk about our feelings)
• physical activity (healthy sexual relationships)
• healthy eating habits
• healthy sleeping habits
• hobbies and sports
• enjoying nature (walks, getting fresh air, connect with Mother Nature)
• seek out an Elders, spiritual leader
• learn patience
• respect others (their choices, we can not change anybody)
• learn acceptance
• learn forgiveness
• crying, laughing, yelling in a safe place
• trust
• read, expand your knowledge
• be open-minded
• journal (write things down, doodle)
• chopping wood, fishing, ‘get away’
• spend quality time with family, partner
• positive self talk
• meditate, prayer
• setting goals
• cooking/baking/cleaning
• visit a mental health worker/community worker
• delegate responsibility
• make time for self
• build or create something
• become involved in community events
• watch movies, listen to music
• play with pet
• visualize (imagine)

It is important for the individual and his or her support system to understand what positive mechanisms are, and be able to recognize to those negative coping mechanisms that can be harmful.

Negative coping mechanism include:

• violence and abuse (attacking physically, verbally, mentally, spiritually)
• acting out (misbehave on purpose)
• being passive (not trying to cope, always in situation where he/she is the victim )
• addictions (alcohol, drugs, solvents, medications, gambling, etc)
• minimizing (things are not that bad)
• rationalizing (he/she did not know better)
• denial (there is no problem)
• repression (forgetting)
• developing a ‘false self’ (behaving like someone who you are not)
• disassociate self from situation (spacing out, thinking not feeling)
• controlling behavior
• becoming a work-a-holic (stay busy to avoid feeling)
• running away (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually)
• self harm, suicide attempts
• isolating self and withdrawal
• lying, blaming others (irresponsible)
• manipulating
• depression
• not communicating
• low expectations (of self and others)
• fantasizing (escape into a ‘perfect’ world)
• being compulsive (too much of anything: eating, drinking, gambling)
• creating crisis
• overly helpful (helps others over self)